My Biggest Relationship Mistakes with Men

 

As grateful as I am to be happily married to the man of my dreams, I would be a fool to pretend I did not have my share of bumps in the road along the way. The lessons IMG_0866& strategies I teach to my coaching clients and through my training programs are based on both research and my personal experiences; many of them were hard learned, do to my sometimes hard head. 🙂

My commitment is to help other women to avoid the pitfalls, heartbreak and downright foolishness that it took for me to learn how to get an amazing man of God to pursue and marry me. As I prepare for our Anniversary, which is tomorrow, I thought I’d share with you some of my world-class foolishness around men.

So here are the top, most embarrassing mistakes I’ve personally made when it comes to men and relationships:

Mistake 1. Accepting being “One of Many.”

This is when you are not in an official relationship, you don’t have any titles, there is no direction for your “relationship,” and you are not exclusive. You know that you are making this same mistake if you are implementing the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy around the status of your “friendship” and whether or not you are monogamous or even heading there. Settling for this type of “it’s better than nothing” interaction is a guaranteed ticked to Not-Knowing-Your-Worth-Ville, USA. And, I see far too many women doing the same thing.

Mistake 2. Not honoring my sexual purity & my values, by sharing my body with a man who was not my husband.the other woman

The vast majority of my single season I was celibate. Then, I would slip up & have an error in judgement, then regret it immediately. Next, came the spiral of shame and guilt which led to more feelings of unworthiness.

I realized that no moments of pleasure were worth the emotional fallout that resulted afterwards. Once I committed to waiting for my husband, to fully enjoy a sexual relationship (that was pleasing to God), this area became much easier for me. There were ZERO shades of grey when it came to this subject.

Mistake 3. Not looking for red flags. Not seeing the red flags that were there. Or not ending the relationship when I did notice the sea of red flags.

After my abusive marriage ended, I got very good at looking for these red flags. I vowed to myself that I would never again get caught up in that same type of drama & lunacy. I realized that I could have avoided it if only I’d been willing and able to see clearly what was happening right in front of me. And known how to interpret what was happening right in front of me. In fact, I came up with a checklist of 50+ Red Flags that I cover in Module 3 of the SoulMate Attraction Factor System. If it’s up to me, NO woman will EVER have to go through what I did, because she didn’t see it coming soon enough to get out.

Mistake 4. Believing that getting married would change the parts of a relationship (or person) that were not working and dysfunctional.

I’ll just chalk this one up to getting married at age 21. Although I had just graduated from college with Honors, and a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, I could not have been more naive about the “and they lived happily ever after…” myth. Truthfully I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Many of the lessons on Marriage Preparation I learned around this mistake are exactly what I placed in the 5th Module of the SoulMate Attraction Factor System. I don’t want any other couple to suffer during what should be their honeymoon stage, because they were not prepared for the marriage before the wedding. Pre-marital preparation is essential to a healthy, life-long marriage; we corrected that before my Beloved and I were married, once again applying what I learned from the school of hard knocks.

Mistake 5. Believing what he said to me more than what he showed me by what he did.

This was another mistake of the young and naive Wende. Unfortunately I still see many women in their 40’s and beyond making this very mistake, repeatedly. I learned a valuable lesson watching Oprah Winfrey, when she quoted Maya Angelou. The words of wisdom imparted were, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” The moment I heard this bit of sage wisdom my world was shifted!

Like many women, my pattern was to believe what sounded good, and to clinging to any shred of evidence that what I wanted/needed from the relationship was what I was actually getting; despite all the evidence to the contrary. After hearing that advice I never made that mistake again! Talk about a light bulb moment. 🙂

IMG_8668So there you have it, the five biggest, most embarrassing mistakes I made during my single season while on my quest to find true love. Thank God that I chose to learn from those mistakes rather than to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. I lay it out there, exposing my errors, in the hopes that you too can learn from my mistakes and not have to make the same ones yourself. And, if you’ve already made them, so you can know that there is a way out and that true LOVE is seeking you, just as you are seeking it.

I’m celebrating Customer Appreciation this month by providing 40% off of EVERYTHING. Get the Discount Code here, along with a Bonus “LOVE Rules” Poster!

If you liked this post, then “Like” it using the Facebook link below. Then, leave me a comment to tell me what were some of your biggest relationship mistakes. I can’t wait to hear from you!

“True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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May is Customer Appreciation Month!

My Wedding Anniversary is this month, that’s why I’m sharing the LOVE and celebrating my Clients, Customers and Readers by celebrating May as Client Appreciation Month!

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If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know that despite enjoying success in my career, I haven’t always had the amazing Love that I’ve been enjoying for the past several years with my Mr. Right, my Soul Mate and Husband. You also know that through my Coaching and Training Programs, I teach the lessons, specific strategies and essential mindset shifts required to attract and maintain Phenomenal Love for Life. I look forward to helping you to do the same!

That’s why from May 1-7 you can save 50% off everything in my Success Boutique. From May 8-31, your savings will be 40% OFF everything you purchase, still an amazing deal! But for the BEST sale I’ll offer for the WHOLE year on ANYTHING I offer, jump in before the 7th.*

In my Online Success Boutique, you will find:

SoulMate Attraction Factor System
https://www.wendesanders.com/success-boutique/soulmate-attraction-factor-system

VIP Day
https://www.wendesanders.com/success-boutique/vip-day

And More, head over and check out the various ways I can help you achieve your Life and Love goals this year.
https://www.wendesanders.com/success-boutique

 

*You must be part of my community to get the discount code. Plus to sweeten the pot, as my gift to you when you click the link below to get the code, you’ll also get my Phenomenal LOVE Rules Poster (I’ve received RAVE reviews for this Poster. I know you’ll appreciate it too!).

Get the 40% off Code + Bonus Poster

 

“Like” this using the Facebook button below, if you like saving & know your friends would too!

 

What Can the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Teach You About Dating, Courting & Finding Mr. Right? (Part 1)

 

Steven Covey wrote the Best Selling book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In it, he discussed common practices that lead to great success. I read this book many years ago and applied it to both my professional & personal life. Recently, it dawned on me that as I coach and teach single women how to stop kissing frogs and start attracting Mr. Right, all while creating a Phenomenal Lifestyle, that I could pull from these very principles for this as well. There’s a lot to cover, so I’m breaking this article into two parts. So here goes!

Paradigm Shift

It may be time for you to change your Mindset about men, dating, marriage and relationships.

Mosaic Infographic- 7 Habits Mr. Right

So many single women have bought into the hype that since the times have changed, that we’re now supposed to “think like a man,” or be like men when we’re navigating the dating scene. This couldn’t be more wrong, IF you want to get married and STAY happily married.

The truth is that marriage-minded men are looking for a certain type of woman, a WIFE. Likewise, the perpetual dater is also looking for a certain type of woman, a Playmate. If you want the first type of man to pursue you, it’s time for a paradigm shift, followed by a shift in your actions.

 

Habit #1 Be Proactive

Understand that your Decisions and Choices lead to the results you’re getting. YOU are the common denominator in your relationships, so if they are consistently disappointing, be proactive and do some self-reflection.

Often, it is helpful to get the perspective and assistance of a neutral party, who’s also a Subject Matter Expert in relationships. That’s the benefit of choosing to work with a Relationship Coach like me.

 

Habit #2 Begin with The End In Mind

Do you KNOW what you want in a man? In a Relationship? In a Marriage? Far too many women DO NOT know what they want. It’s no wonder that they struggle to get it. In order to begin with the end in mind, you MUST have clarity on “the end” that you desire. What is YOUR Vision of Love?

When I work privately with Clients, one of the first things we do is get clear on what is the goal, the outcome, the end that we are striving toward. That way, the Action Plans that we devise will lead to that direction.

 

Habit #3 Put First Things First

As Believing women of faith, the first thing for us is our commitment to worship and serve God. This is the most important relationship you will ever have. It’s the one that will last for all of eternity, for Better or for Worse.

With that perspective established, as you seek to attract your Mr. Right, your very own Boaz, remember to prioritize your “list” with desirable CHARACTER traits over desirable Physical traits. It won’t matter if he’s 6’2” and hung like a horse, if he doesn’t contribute to the family finances and has more mistresses than Tiger Woods. (Just dropped the mic, and walked away 🙂 )

Stay tuned for Part 2…

 

If you liked this post, then please “Like” it, Share it with your friends, and Leave me a Comment to let me know what you thought!

 

“True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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Note: I’d like to thank Kelly for the template I used to create this Infographic. If you’d like to get some great images check out Image Monthly.

 

 

Is The Big “D” Controlling Your Love Life?

 

Most people don’t end up living their Plan A Life. They wind up settling for Plan B, C or frequently Plan F & below. There are many reasons, i.e. excuses that go into this unfortunate reality. But one of the most significant is the desire to avoid the big “D,” Disappointment.

God forbid we try something and it doesn’t work out the way we hoped it would. We could run the risk of being embarrassed, getting our feelings hurt or worse, having to modify our approach & try again. Oh, the HORROR!couple kissing-2

This same desire to avoid disappointment thwarts many a God-ordained relationship, before it can even start. Daily, I see women struggling in this area, and singing the blues. My advice on this topic is simple. 1) Pray, 2) Listen, 3) Trust, 4) Act.

Pray

Having God on your side is the best ally you could ever want. Connecting with Him daily through prayer and supplication is essential to ensuring that your relationship with Him is solid. It seems to me that praying for your future husband and marriage is also obvious. And, so is praying for discernment over who you should entertain during a Courtship. However, I’m constantly surprised at the number of women of faith who don’t do this. Skipping this crucial step is most certainly a recipe for disappointment, among other things.

 

Listen

After you pray for guidance and wisdom, you must listen to the direction that God is leading you. That means that you must have some space and silence in your life.

 

Trust

I’ve already discussed the problem that many single women have with trusting men, in other articles. Unfortunately, this problem with trusting also spills over to NOT Trusting God. And, second guessing yourself when you know that God is leading you to start or stop something in your life. After you pray and receive Guidance, you MUST TRUST and Obey.

 

Act

This is where you take action. Visit a different place of worship from your regular one. Wear some brighter, happier colors. Let the supportive people in your life know that you’re open to meeting new marriage-minded, single men. And, you’d appreciate introductions. Yes, I know this may require you moving out of your typical comfort zone. But, believe me when I say it WILL be worth it when you’re gazing into the eyes of your SoulMate.

If you’re ready to start experiencing Phenomenal LOVE in your life, join me for the SoulMate Attraction Factor 30 Day Coaching Club. In just 30 days, you could enjoy more Love and a Phenomenal Lifestyle. www.SoulMateAttractionFactor.com

 

If you liked this post, then please “Like” it, Share it with your friends, and Leave me a Comment to let me know what you thought!

 “True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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5 Relationship Obstacles That Leave Smart Single Women Stuck Feeling Lonely & Frustrated

When it comes to attracting more love into their lives, most women expect to run before they walk. Specifically, they want to learHurdlen the tips and strategies for attracting Mr. Right, when they haven’t eliminated the relationship saboteurs that plague them, first. I liken this to mopping before you sweep. If you’ve ever done this, you know that instead of saving time, all you do is end up with nasty floors thus creating more work for yourself.

Here Are 5 Obstacles That Will Stand In Your Way & How To Address Them:

 

Your “V” Has Been Used & Abused

That’s right; I’m talking about your Vulnerability! (What did you think I meant? 🙂 ) When we don’t exercise discretion about who we trust and allow to stay in our life, our kindness & vulnerability can be abused. Holding on to the fear of being hurt again is a major block to welcoming in new Love.

Tip: Fortify your willingness to be vulnerable, with people who’ve proven to you over time that they are worthy of your trust. Forgive those who’ve done you wrong, and release the hurt & anger.

 

Place Holders

Using men (and allowing them to use you) as a fill in for genuine intimacy, creates an obstacle for Phenomenal Love. This includes dating or being involved with a man that you don’t actually like & respect, just because you like what he can do for you.

Tip: Become what I call “Sincerely Single.” This means that you have completely ended any “lingering” relationships and are ready & available for Mr. Right to come into your life.

 

Cray-Cray Patterns & Cycles

Are you addicted to Drama, Bad Boys, Chaos, etc? Perhaps you’ve gotten used to being alone, and thus start treating new men like unwelcomed intruders. Do you keep chasing men who are unavailable or who won’t commit to you? These are just some of the common patterns I see when working with previous Clients.

Tip: I highly recommend a Dating Detox to help you to break unproductive patterns. Then, Recalibrate to begin new, more productive patterns.

 

Relationship Artifacts

Keeping remnants of past relationships around you, ensures that you stay surrounded by the stagnant energy of a failed relationship. It also serves as a reminder of your ex’s, so you’re focusing on him/them rather than focusing on welcoming the man that God has chosen for you, into your life.

Tip: Tap into the Law of Flow by releasing the old & counterproductive to make space for the fresh & new in your life.

 

Karma

You’ve done people wrong in the past, and now your chickens have come home to roost. Being selfish, manipulative and deceitful all fall under this obstacle to quality relationships.

Tip: Use the Law of Cause & Effect to Do More Good to others and for others. Build up Karma that works for you rather than against you.

These tips are straight from Step 1, “Ditch Relationship Obstacles,” in my SoulMate Attraction Factor Curriculum. To learn the remaining 4 steps and join the upcoming SoulMate Attraction Factor™ 30 Day Coaching Club, where I’ll be teaching and coaching you through each step, head over to www.SoulMateAttractionFactor.com. The Club is now available at the Early Bird Rate (That’s a 50% savings!). Classes start on March just in time for 25th Spring!

 

If you liked this post, then please “Like” it, Share it with your friends, and Leave me a Comment to let me know what you thought!

“True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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Stop Being “The Other Woman”

 

There’s a lot of focus on the concept of “the other woman” in television & media recently. The strong, educated, accomplished woman that struggles with her love life is an ALL TOO FAMILIAR character to many women. If you aren’t facing that challenge personally, the chances are tremendous that you know a woman who is.the other woman

With charismatic characters like Olivia Pope and Mary Jane Paul, it appears that the media is even attempting to glamorize this unfortunate position. (Not to mention the negative messages they are sending about relationship prospects for Black Women, but that’s another post for another day). By showing passionate sex scenes that erupt from forbidden LUST, and dysfunctional marriages that have disintegrated into contempt and callousness, the “War on Marriage” is alive and well; and right now, it looks like the devil may be winning.

In my years as a professional Life & Relationship Coach, I have worked with several incredible women of faith who’ve found themselves in the undesirable role of being the other woman. This position is usually accompanied by a tremendous sense of guilt, shame and embarrassment. The excitement & passion that’s portrayed on T.V. and movies is merely a minute portion of the emotional fallout from this type of relationship. Even if you aren’t sexually involved, an emotional affair can cause the same adverse effects. Finding yourself branded with the title of “the other woman” also impacts the way you see yourself & your future relationship prospects, not to mention the Karma you’re collecting.

If you are dating a married man (or one who’s in a “committed relationship”), here are 3 tips to help you reclaim your dignity and move forward with your self-respect intact:

 

1. No Man (not even Mr. Right) can fill a God-sized hole

One of the most common causes that I see of women being willing to accept being relegated to the role of “side chick” is an overwhelming desire to fill a painful void. This void looks different for different women, but it’s often the need to feel wanted, special & loved. The problem is that even after you get your “fix,” (which can be sexual or non-sexual) the pain or numbness that was there before, returns to its same ole spot in your heart.

That’s because only God can fill a God-sized hole. Many of us allow other priorities to cause us to become distant from God, and that’s the beginning of what I call Spiritual Malnutrition. When you’re malnourished and hungry, even rotten food seems appealing. But, He is always there for you when you’re ready to make a change for the better, even when you’ve been living a sinful lifestyle and the enemy has you convinced that “there’s no going back now.” Stop looking to a man to do for you what only your Creator can do.

 

2. Realize that you are MORE than your current circumstance.

Many women of faith find themselves in these taboo relationships after experiencing a painful life challenge, a series of disappointing relationships, or prolonged frustration with being lonely. (They may even be mad at God for letting them get to this point.)

A lack of connection with your self-worth also plays a role in permitting you to engage in this type of relationship. You need to reconnect with the God-given Phenomenal Essence of you (what I call your X-Factor), so that even considering this demeaning position becomes inconceivable to you. Truly owning your divine worthiness, would make being expected to accept the “side piece” status as truly offensive and ludicrous.

 

3. You were divinely created to wear the honor of a Wife, not the shame of a Mistress

When prospects seem bleak, and it feels like “maybe I’m just meant to be single,” it can be easy to believe that you don’t have many choices. You may start believing that you just have to “take what you can get,” even if it’s a part-time man. This is especially true when you honestly believe that “he really is a good man, he’s just in a bad situation right now.” But, that’s a lie from the enemy!

What God has for you is for YOU! That includes an equally yoked spouse. Don’t believe the deception that there aren’t any more options available to you. And, be willing to do the work on YOU to prepare for your own Husband and marriage.

 

If you liked this post, then please “Like” it, Share it with your friends, and Leave me a Comment to let me know what you thought!

“True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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There Are No GOOD MEN Here! Maybe I Should Move!

 

I hear some version of this comment it seems like every week from single looking at mapwomen that are frustrated over their relationship prospects.

Heck, I remember thinking it a few times when I was single. But the truth is, that there ARE Good, Marriage-Minded, Men of God EVERYWHERE. So, before you load up the truck and move to Beverly, take a breath and read on.

Well, if they are everywhere, but you don’t seem to be meeting any of them, what’s a gal to do?

 

Here are 4 things to keep in mind as you traverse your way through your single season and prepare to be in the relationship of your dreams:

Timing is EVERYTHING

God told us that for everything there is a Season. He’s ALREADY chosen your SoulMate for you and determined when & WHERE you’ll meet. However, there is ALWAYS work to be done or an assignment to complete before we are permitted to walk into the next Season of our lives. Are you using this “meantime” space to prepare for the Season that you SAY you want to enter? If not, it’s time to get to work as you wait for God’s perfect timing! Everyone loves the Harvest season, but when it’s time to toil and labor as we sow our seeds into fertile ground, most of us are somewhere sitting under a tree complaining about the heat.

 

Are your eye’s really open

We all have a “List,” I had one too! But some of you have crafted a list from a place of fear and desiring to protect yourself from ANY potential hurt that could ever come your way. (That’s not even possible, to be quite honest.) When fear & mistrust is at the center of your efforts, you can believe that you won’t be able to see as clearly as you think you do. It’s VERY likely that you are screening out some amazing men, just because they aren’t taller than you, making 6 figures or may have lost some hair. Open your eyes today as you run your errands or go to the gym. There are men everywhere, and one of them could be the perfect fit for you.

 

Are you showing up in a way that your husband-to-be would find appealing?

Alright, so we just discussed your list. Well, guess what? Your husband-to-be has a list too! Would the type of man that you want to attract into your life be looking for a woman like you? If you aren’t sure, there’s your answer.

 

Opposites Attract

If you’re constantly in your Masculine Energy (which may be perfectly fine for work, it can help you to get the job done) but never allow your Feminine Energy to take center stage, it will be difficult to attract a man who wants a Feminine woman. Which by the way is almost ALL men.

Note: Don’t get confused on this one, you can be pretty and still have masculine energy. I’ve known a women for over 15 years that struggles with this one. She’s beautiful, fit, smart and wears stylish clothes. She has no problem getting men to approach her… initially. The problem is once you spend any time around her you can sense that her energy is very masculine & competitive. She’s yet to get married (something she desires) and doesn’t understand why.

 

If you know that one or more of these is an area that you could improve upon, if your dating or courting life is not what you desire, then I invite you to join me on Valentine’s Day weekend for a special workshop for Single Women. It’s called Kissing Frogs & Other Things That Chase Away Your SoulMate And Keep You Single.

 

If you liked this post, then please “Like” it, Share it with your friends, and Leave me a Comment to let me know what you thought!

“True Love is Seeking YOU… Just as You are Seeking True Love!”

But, do you know how to call it into your life with Grace & Dignity?

Or, will you Stay committed to the Habits & Practices that Keep it at Bay, and leave you Frustrated?

The Choice is ALWAYS YOURS.

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